I've wanted to sit down and write another blog post so many different times and then I've stopped. Sometimes because I am distracted with other tasks, sometimes because I'm prioritizing and it falls to the wayside, other times I don't because I was afraid. Still afraid of the backlash and the criticism and the narrowmindedness. But not today.
I recently saw a Twitter post from someone online and it deeply touched my soul. The words he wrote are now etched in my entire being and eases me as it gives me solace. His post was shared by a friend of mine who I connect with almost daily and give each other mutual support regularly. Often I feel we are two kindred spirits and she's there when I have a bad day, and alternatively, I'm here to listen when she needs. She helps give me strength when I don't think I have any left. She's not the only one either, there are many people around me that care deeply and I can call on if I need. For that, I am so thankful since there are so many more that are no longer in my circle.
The past 11 months have been some of the hardest months for me, but I'm optimistic that the worst part is over now. I'm telling myself that, even if some days it's not quite true. I need to believe that there are better days ahead, even if yesterday and today weren't.
I'm tired of listening to the hurtful words hurtled in my direction because you cannot comprehend what I am doing to heal myself, or understand the things I've told about my life. That is not my fault that you are not able to believe me or realize the truth. That is your cross to bear, not mine. If you are reading this and thinking: She's talking about me, then I probably am. You see, if you have judged me over this past 11 months, said hurtful things to me that I will never repeat, then yeah, this post is for you.
And through my anger, I have many thoughts that bounce back and forth from self-pity to remorse and even a bit of a flippant attitude. But one thought kept coming back to me over and over.
I hope you never have a daughter (or son), or niece (or nephew), coworker, cousin, or friend come to you and tell you things that you do not want to comprehend. I hope there will be fewer and fewer people in the world that will have to work through trauma like I have been doing, along with countless others. And I hope and pray that IF any of these people in your life come to you and tell you unspeakable things, I pray that you treat them better than you have to others like myself. Please be better. Do better. Learn better.
And even still, after lots of soul searching and meditation and talking to therapists, friends, and other survivors, I've come to a realization. Just because you cannot process my pain, my grief, doesn't mean it didn't happen to me. It doesn't make it unreal or fake. It is very much real. It took me almost 6 months to stick to that belief, and another 5 months to come to my next epiphany.
Even though you cannot discern my feelings, I need to not take it personally. And in fact, I am glad for you. I am happy that your life has not seen the trauma I have seen or felt, that you haven't had thoughts of leaving this world and everything behind or haven't been able to sleep or get out of bed to take a shower for days on end. I am thankful that there are people in the world who don't have to deal with things like I have. The more people that do not have to deal with circumstances like this, the better.
Remember that you are not perfect and you cannot judge how a person reacts or behaves because of their circumstances, especially if you haven't even had those same circumstances. AND EVEN IF YOU DID, as individuals we all handle stress, trauma, and happiness differently, that's what makes us so unique. How I may choose to deal with situations like a car crash or the birth of a child may not be the way you deal with it. And that doesn't mean one of us is wrong. Only different. BE KIND. ALWAYS. And I want to leave you with another quote:
WE ARE ALL BROKEN. THAT'S HOW THE LIGHT GETS IN
Be well.