top of page
  • Writer's pictureCWAdmin

My 44th Year

This past week was my 44th year alive. It's crazy to even type that out now as I sit here, and yet it's true. My 44th birthday happened this past Friday and all of the days leading up to Friday have been somewhat reflective for me. I had started planning out my newest blog post in my head of what I wanted to say, reflect on, tell the world and post it on my birthday for everyone to read. But Friday came and went and life happens and things out of my control happened and I did not post a blog entry that day. Friday night I was in the hospital for a brief time.

Just to be clear, I am fine now, there are some changes that need to be made for sure, in order for me to stay healthy and live a long, happy life. And I've been trying to make those small changes over the course of the last few years, some I've been successful at, and others not so much. Those others is what I need to work on still as the days pass.

To make a long story short, I've noticed as I get older, I get more and more heart palpitations. There is no rhyme or reason for them, they don't come at a certain time or when I can predict them, they just come and quickly dissipate. So starting last year, my family doctor has incorporated regular heart monitors as part of my annual physicals. I've always had very low blood pressure and chalked it up to maybe my low blood pressure has something to do with it, but nothing has been proven or conclusive. So I just monitor it and put it in the back of my mind.

The night before my birthday, I started getting heart palpitations late evening before bed. Which in itself was strange since I've never had them that late in the evening before. So it concerned me a little since I couldn't settle for bed right away. But eventually, I got to sleep and forgot about it. The next day, my birthday, after I was finishing up work, I got a sharp pain in the left side of my chest that quickly dissipated. I thought it was a bit odd, but it went away as quickly as it came and I forgot about it. I went out to dinner with my 2 youngest children. Just about an hour after the 1st pain, I got an even sharper pain that went all down my left arm. It startled me, to be honest. And then the heart palpitations came again. So I started to panic. I couldn't reach anyone to help (my husband was over an hour and half away at work) and there was no one around that I called that could help me with my younger kids, so I quickly packed up the remainder of our dinner, drove them home and told them I wasn't feeling well and that I was coming back into town to see the doctor. 40 minutes after my arm pain I was in emergency.

After a short stay in Emergency, an ECG, bloodwork and a chest X-Ray, my family doctor said that my levels were all within normal ranges and everything seemed fine. My heart was ok, even though I was still having palpitations and my arm still ached. That's when he started asking me about my daily stress. And he told me that I need to get a handle on it. Because it's affecting me.

To say I've been stressed out the last 6 or 7 weeks is an understatement. There is so much that is unsaid and it sits and boils under my conscious daily, just waiting for the right moment to unravel. I do not know how to handle this. Some days I'm fine, I can work and do things, but other days I can barely remember to brush my teeth and feed myself. I know it is taking a toll on my poor, dear husband, who tries to desperately to help hold me together and show me how things are not as devastating as I may perceive them to be.

I've been seeing a Trauma Therapist regularly, going through EMDR Therapy and I think it's been helping, most of the time anyhow. But sometimes I think either I need to go more, or I need to try something else on top of my EMDR therapy. But honestly, all this therapy and self-care that I am supposed to do is EXHAUSTING. I'm so drained. How can I see a therapist regularly, do all their 'homework' I need to do, try to mediate each day, do Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and still have time for the 'mom/wife' things that I need to do?? My family needs to be fed each day, I need to work, kids need to go places, I need to buy groceries, life needs to be taken care of. There is just not enough hours in the day to do all of the things. And somedays I am so spent and mentally exhausted that I CANNOT take the 10 minutes to try and mediate like I am supposed to, all I can do is lie in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I have no balance. And I've been trying so hard, but all of my efforts lately have been unsuccessful and make me feel like I am just fighting my life in quicksand.

This past hitch, my husband has been working nights on a lease that is close enough to home that he can come home and sleep instead of staying in a hotel or work camp. So I am lucky enough that I get to see his face each day, even if it's for only 30 or 40 minutes a day, and I get to feel his arms as he hugs me each day. And today, even though he was sleeping before his shift, I needed him and crawled into bed at 1pm with him. This man who had only been sleeping for 4 hours after a long 16 hour shift, made sure to wrap his arms around me and hold me tight and is there for me when I need him. My guilt of needing him to calm me down, eats away at me, and I pray that my weaknesses don't drive him away eventually. I want to get better, I want to be stronger so that I don't feel like such a burden on him, like it seems I am these days.

I don't know the all the answers and how to fix things, and neither does my husband. And I don't expect him to. All I know is that he is there for me and I feel better when he is around. So I will do whatever I can to try and get myself better and be the mother and wife that I need to be for my family. It won't be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. But hopefully someday I will be able to say that I cannot remember the last time that I cried before bed, or the last time I felt utterly hopeless and lost. Because I want to be able to move through those things and go onto better days.

Here's hoping my 45th Year will be brighter.

18 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page