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Mourning my losses

I have not posted in quite some time. Partly because I am trying to follow one of my therapist's advise and not post after dinner to keep myself in a positive state of mind. Another reason I haven't posted in a while is also because I have been in such a negative state of mind that it takes all of my mental energy just to get up and get through each day as a normal person that I cannot even expel any additional energy on additional activities like blogging.

I thought I was doing so well. I had many weeks where I felt great, I thought I was healing great and adjusting to trying to be more balanced in my life and taking care of myself, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was told that healing will come in waves and sometimes I will feel great then a wave will come crashing down on me and it will be very difficult. Well I have been submerged for some time now, about 3 weeks in a very bad wave of grief, depression, anxiety and loss. It has taken multiple tools and resources for me to climb out of this hole and feel somewhat reasonable again, but I'm hoping the worst of this wave is over and maybe next time it won't be so bad when it comes crashing down on me.

I have started medication recently to help with keeping me calm and the anxiety/depression at bay while I deal with learning how to remain balanced and calm. It's a struggle for sure. My entire life I have not felt balanced and calm. This is new territory for me. But I have been seeking calmness and balance my entire life, so I am truly hoping I can achieve it. I am also trying very hard to keep active and do things like running, biking, swimming and yoga to keep my body active and moving. When I expel energy doing activities, it helps dissipate my negative energy. I have started daily Deep Mindful Breathing exercises. I am visiting a facilitator for periodic sessions and then do some daily deep mindful breathing on my own each day to help keep me more calm and balanced. I find it is helping so I continue on.

My immediate family has been fantastic at helping me cope and get through each day. I have a fantastic husband who is doing everything he can to support and love me each day and goes above and beyond what I could possibly need. My kids that are still young enough to live at home are very helpful and give me lots of hugs each day, which some days helps me more than anything. I have a small circle of great friends here who are just a phone call away if I need them, without any judgement. And that can be the most helpful at times of emotional turmoil.

I am in mourning now. I did not realize how much I would mourn once I started healing. No one really prepared me for this part of my journey. I come from a very large extended family. Holidays were full of cousins and extended family each year. My father has 4 siblings and my mother has 7 siblings. Each of these siblings on both sides of my family (except for 1) has 2 or more children each, resulting in many, many cousins and 2nd cousins as I get older. Although my Grandfather passed away 9 years ago, I still have my one Grandmother left as well.

But sadly, even with this huge extended family, very few aunts/uncles/cousins kept in touch regularly as I grew up and moved away from the province. Life becomes busy as you age and create your own family, which is understandable and family drifts apart, only sending Christmas cards or school pictures once a year to keep in touch.

And more recently for myself, I have found that when you start a journey to heal yourself and begin to let others know of your personal healing, many do not understand. They become defensive, are in denial or refuse to acknowledge my pain and healing. This results in a disassociation and removal from the extended family unit. And while I have not been as close as I could have been with the members of my extended family for years, it seems that now I mourn the fact that I do not have the choice to be involved and present in their lives. That ability has been taken away from me and I am having a hard time processing the fact that now there are some family members I will not see or talk to again. It is now all out of my control.

One other issue I have noticed as I begin to heal is my inability to set boundaries for myself. I have let people walk all over me and push me around for years, until I am at a breaking point and become upset and overwhelmed and then make drastic decisions like quitting a job or moving homes. This is something that I need to focus on while I heal to give myself permission to set solid boundaries and let others know what is ok and what isn't for me. This will be very challenging for me as I have always felt that I am not deserving of such respect and care from others, when in fact I am. I have always remained on the defensive side and tend to over-explain myself to the point where I seem guilty or ashamed, when in fact I just want people to understand me and how I feel.

So when I visit my therapist again this weekend, I will talk to her about how to build up my skills so I can set boundaries and help me learn how to accept love and respect without feeling ashamed or guilty and not deserving. Because everyone should be able to feel love and acceptance without having to feel guilty or ashamed. And I will continue to mourn those that I've lost and hopefully one day maybe they can understand, or at least empathize with me on how I need to heal and move forward with my life.

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